Extra! Extra! ISU Summer Congress…

Something a little different but still entertaining I think...

Extra! Extra! ISU Summer Congress…

Reposted bellow:

Extra! Extra! ISU Summer Congress…

Two Olympic Games have passed since the 2002 events that brought a major change to the figure skating world – the much discussed Code of Points – and the ISU has announced a special summer congress to be held in The Maldives, in order to assess the development of the sport and address the issues at hand. Among the topics are:

COP changes
- as it has been demonstrated in competitions that the ladies are perfectly capable to execute triple Axels and quadruple jumps, there is no need to make a difference between Ladies’ and Men’s programs anymore. Starting next season, it will be mandatory for the men to include a spiral sequence and a Biellmann spin in their programs.
- however, since the safety of the athletes must come first, all triple jumps will score zero points regardless of how they are performed, as single or in combination, and the base value of the quad will always be negative.
- artistry will be evaluated solely on arm flapping and fist pumping.
- taking action in advance, before the music industry sues for copyright infringement, a selection of 10 music pieces will be presented in the beginning of each season for skaters to choose from. These selections include Carmen, Requiem for a Dream, Adagio, Romeo and Juliet, Swan Lake, Otonal, Moonlight Sonata, any music by Astor Piazzolla, tango or flamenco.
- the recycling of old programs and costumes will be prohibited.

New competition
- by public demand, all skaters who repeatedly failed to qualify for the free skate, will get a chance to perform their programs once every four years during the Summer Olympic Games. The competition will be called Little Olympics and the medals will be made of tin foil and candy wrappers.

New training facilities
- all year outdoor training camps will be created in the North Pole area. Skaters will be in charge of transportation, but once arrived they’ll get free food and lodging. They will also be provided with guns and taught survival skills and the Inuit language just in case they get lost.

Cutting costs and advertising measures
- the number of judges will be reduced to 5, from which only two will count. The other two will give the highest and lowest marks and thus ignored, while the third will be appointed as official corrupt judge and his job will be to take all the bribes and transfer them to unofficial ISU’s accounts.
- instead of laptops, judges will be provided with wrist watches with calculators, pencils and post-it notes.
- the technical caller will stand by the boards and use a megaphone to announce the elements for both the judges and the audience.
- standard blades will be two inches wide and have round edges to save on fuel and Zamboni time.
- skaters will be encouraged to display as many logos on their costumes as possible. For those who can’t afford new costumes or have no sponsors, bathing suits will be accepted.
- retired skaters will be paid small fees to appear behind the boards during TV broadcasts.
- short training courses will be organized for cameramen to teach them what the public wants to see on TV.
- fees for live broadcasting rights will skyrocket.
- access to any media and communication devices will be forbidden inside the rink, including photo and video cameras, laptops, notebooks, phones, iPhones, etc.
- bringing food and beverages inside the arena will be allowed provided the volunteers taste everything in advance (because they have to be fed too).

ISU Internal Regulations
- the President will be elected for life.
- the skaters will need approval from the ISU to retire.
- ISU will get a cut of the ice shows’ income for lending them the skaters.
- anyone who badmouths the federation or the sport, whether it’s an official, skater, journalist or fan, will get a two years ban from having any involvement with the sport.

Source: Journal Of Key Events In Figure Skating World
Date: April 1, 2010